Vimes and Vetinari
by PeacockBlue
Summary: Pretty much what it says on the tin... Ummm, Join Alice on the Discworld in Ankh-Morpork, the burgeoning city that is THE place to be! Please read the AN at the bottom and review!
1. Chapter 1

_Rule 9a) When it comes to Vimes, just don't._

_Rule 9b) The same goes for Vetinari._

I landed and breathed a sigh of relief. I grinned nervously and leaned against the nearest brick wall with my hands on my knees and sucked in a deep lungful of air only to immediately throw it out again after tasting the foul stench in the air. Street dancing in Meryton had been fun, and so had seeing the delicate, genteel faces of Lizzy Bennet and especially Miss Bingley scrunched up in distaste at the new fashions from 'London'. At that thought, I smirked, looking down to see what changes had been made to my outfit. Surprisingly, not many. My long dark hair was messily scraped back into a ponytail and I was still wearing a navy blue zip-up hoodie that stopped just below my ribs with white stripes down the arms over the top of a rather fetching set of grey tracksuit bottoms teamed with a white spaghetti strap t-shirt. I lifted my feet out of the, for want of a better and more polite word, mud and saw that I was still in my comfortable trainers which appeared to have a new charm on them to prevent the 'mud' sticking. I was roused from my assessment of my clothes by a loud shout.

"STOP! Unlicensed thief!"

A rough around the edges-looking guy ran past, holding a bag full of objects that I guessed were not gained through lawful activity. He came so close to me that the next move came naturally and left him face-down in the, errr, _mud_. Three people came running around the corner of the alleyway I was in; one red-faced butcher, (going by the apron and bloodstains, he was either that or a very bad barber), one _very _well-muscled young man who, it would appear, was an officer of the law and one well-curved young lady wearing the same basic armour and helmet getup as her partner, but it was very much filled in two different places to Mr Muscle.

I waved to the unfortunate man face down and spluttering in the mud on the street. "Is this who you're after officers?" I asked, just barely restraining myself from calling them 'policeman-officers'_*****_

Mr Muscle nodded and stepped forwards to pick up the criminal. His lady friend stayed behind but was staring at me with an expression not often seen anywhere other than on a ravenous wolf. "Thank you for Aiding The Watch With Their Inquiries!" he said, the capitalised letters clearly audible. "Would you like an Escort Home?"

"No, thanks," I replied, half turning away, only to whip round to face them when an idea hit me. "Actually, can I speak to your boss? Only, I've been having some… displacement issues and I'd appreciate knowing when and where I am."

"Magic?" he asked.

"Umm, I guess you could say so." It was half a question and half a statement because, after all, who knows how that sadistic being kicked all this off. "Just, _please, _take me to whoever is in charge of the, err, Watch." I walked out of the shady (in many ways) alleyway and into the bright sunlight. Blondie grabbed Mr Muscle's shirt and hauled him off to somewhere where they could see me, but I was not in earshot. I peered curiously in their direction and tried unsuccessfully to use my (un)impressive lip-reading skills in an effort to find out what it was they were saying. However, it seemed that I either

a) got the benefit of the doubt, or

b) was too dangerous to be left out on the streets unattended

because I got a police escort to their main station. Could have been either.

An irritated man rested his elbows on his desk and lent forwards, his stubble-covered chin mere inches from my own face. He was Not Happy with the entire situation and I still had not come to a conclusion as to which of the two reasons I had been taken to see their leader. He sucked in a deep breath and there was an almost tangible voice saying '_oh, gods. What have I gotten into now?' _coming from him. Having released it slowly, almost grudgingly, he took in another, more normal, breath and prepared to speak, releasing fumes of tea and tobacco in my general direction. I have never been a fan of smoking and, while I do enjoy a cup of tea, it was overpowered by the stench rarely seen outside the mouth of a chain-smoker. Just as he was about to launch into a full-scale interrogation, a dwarf bustled into the room and slipped onto the desk a mug of strong tea that looked like it would corrode any metal dipped into it.

"Thank you, Cheery," he said, sounding and looking very much put-upon. She (judging by the fact that (s)he was wearing a leather skirt, high heels, makeup and a beard) bustled out. He leant back slightly in his chair and took a large swallow of the mildly corrosive-looking drink before returning to the interrogation.

"You helped the Watch with our enquiries. _No-one _does that. They dash into the nearest alleyway and try to hide from our attention; _everyone _has some reason to avoid us." His voice was gravelly, a result of the cigars I could see on his desk poking out from underneath the mounds of grubby, dog-eared, mug-stained paperwork that were piled up throughout the entire office. There were loose sheets that had fallen onto the floor and had been covered in foot prints and a couple of lonely piles stacked up in the corners of the dingy room that had been invaded by smog diffusing in from the open window. What with the smoke and the stench coming from outside, I was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe.

"Would you mind closing the window?" I coughed out, spluttering my words weakly through the thick choking fumes. He blinked in surprise, the only outward show of any emotion except for irritation and suspicion I had seen on his face so far, but quickly leaned back on his chair, tilting it so that it sat on two legs, and slammed down the window with enough force that the glass jumped in the frame.

_*** If you haven't seen 'Hot Fuzz', you won't understand this reference. You poor thing. **_

_**It is official: I HATE writers' block. I have had inspiration for what is to happen in the future, but none for Ankh-Morpork… So, I have decided that you lovely people can help out. Just leave a review or PM me with your ideas and I will find it much, much easier to get through to the next rule which, let me tell you, is pretty good ;)**_

_**So, come Muses! (Read: Readers who want to have some input) Help me with my troubles and tribulations!**_

_**PS:  
**__**For the finale, I have decided that Alice will give your messages to whoever you would like to talk to/insult in fiction. Leave your answers in a review or PM me. I will need at least ten requests before I can write it, so get your thinking caps on and tell me who you want to insult/irritate/humiliate/flirt with throughout fiction. Be warned: if it is one of the many things I have not read/heard/seen/watched, I will have to search for a synopsis online, so some OOCness is to be expected, although I will try my best. Byeeeee!**_


	2. Chapter 2

I was standing in front of a fairly solid-looking wooden desk, the man behind it looking at me over tented fingers. How on Earth – uh, Disk – had I ended up here?

* * *

I had explained and demonstrated my Magic Backpack to the Commander and he had arranged lodgings for me in a slightly more upmarket part of the city than the one I had arrived in. I carefully inspected the bed for creepy-crawlies and, finding none, looked around the bare room. There was not much; a flimsy wardrobe made from cheap-looking wood, a couple of uncomfortable chairs near a desk and a chest of drawers. The landlady carried the air of a curtain-twitcher and informed me that there were to be 'no pets, no men after six in the afternoon and breakfast starts at seven in the morning'. I had nosed around and then eventually sank down on the bed, head held in my hands. The day had not been the best one possible. Vimes, the Commander of the Watch was a suspicious man and carefully picked apart every one of my sentences to find hidden meanings and veiled insults. He had become increasingly suspicious as my tale went on, leaving out all of the bits where I had been chased with bows, swords, knives and various other weapons. On the way out, I had been stalked by a small grubby man with a cigarette stub tucked behind his ear, encountered a living rock named Detritus and the wolf-eyed woman – addressed as Sergeant Angua – I had first seen in the alleyway had been assigned to show me to my lodgings and to politely 'talk' to the wizards at the University on her way back.

Oh, well. I stretched and got up. Not much I could do for now. I looked out of the window and noticed someone in the armour that appeared to be the Watch uniform standing on the corner. Clearly, I was not trusted by Vimes. Surprised? Not really. 'Suspicious Bastard' seemed to be his default setting.

I sighed from boredom. While I could manipulate the Magic Backpack to give me useful items, all of my attempts to get a good book, a laptop or even a pad of paper and a pencil with a rubber had failed miserably. I was so. Damn. Bored. I started to pace around the room, feeling the foam of my trainers catch on the splinters of the bare wooden floor as I dragged my feet slightly. I came to a halt next to the cheap wooden desk and drummed my fingers on the pale pine surface.

Stuff this.

I strode over to the door and, before opening it, grabbed my zip-up hoodie off of the little metal peg on the back. It was nearing late afternoon and I would rather have to lug it around tied around my waist than freeze my shoulders off. I gently closed and locked the door behind me.

I jogged down the stairs, jumping the last five and landing on my feet, bracing my hands on the narrow stairwell to help muffle the sound of the impact. I slowed down a fraction to walk by the room of my landlady and drop off the key, reassuring her that I would be back for dinner.

The streets were crowded and bustling with various pedestrians. It took most of my concentration to navigate the streets so it was only a matter of time until I hurtled into someone.

"Ooh!" I was sent crashing onto the ground and got splattered in mud. And this time, it _was _mud, rather than whatever had been on the floor of the alleyway. I picked myself off, brushing a dead leaf off of my shoulder (it is some kind of law that, whenever or wherever someone falls over, there will be a dried leaf on his or her sleeve) and accepted the help of the person I had collided with.

"Are you alright?" a lady who seemed to personify the adjective 'bustling' looked me up and down worriedly. "I hit you rather hard."

"Oh, no, I'm fine." I brushed off her concerned queries.

"I insist. Why not join me and my dear Sam for dinner tomorrow evening?"

Food was food. I accepted immediately and without hesitation.

The next day was slow. Nothing happened. I stood in front of the window and watched as the guard over the boarding house changed, twice. My landlady was overjoyed when she discovered that she had to cook for one less but warned me to be back by midnight. I had a hard time not rolling my eyes and saying 'Yes, _mum_," in a whiney teenaged tone.

Sybil, as she had introduced herself to me, met me outside the University and, after having chatted amiably, guided me to her home. As we entered, her butler took my coat and he was then sent to fetch 'her Sam'. He exited the house and Sybil treated me to a long-suffering sigh.

"He works so hard," she lamented, and led me into her sitting room. Not long after, the front door slammed. Her face lit up and she bustled out, motioning for me to follow.

I was face to face with 'her Sam' and it was _awkward_!

The atmosphere around the table was tense, to say the least. The normal small-talk was out of the window the second the slightly grubby Commander had walked in. He scowled at me until a sharp reprimand from his wife had him rearrange his features into a slightly more welcoming expression. The warmth, however, did not reach his eyes. He was furious that I had somehow gotten past his watchmen that he had set to spy on me and that I had reached his own home without him being warned. The meal, although good, could not have been over quickly enough and was thankfully cut short by Carrot knocking hesitantly on the door and Vimes leaping up to see what he wanted. Sibyl released a long-suffering sigh and briefly put her hand on top of his as he dashed past her. I caught the tail-end of their conversation as they left the building:

"Yes, I do know that she is no longer under supervision because _she is in my house _eating dinner _with my wife._"

"Yes, sir. Angua still can't understand what happened. She was watching her _plain clothes_, sir, but didn't pick up her scent anywhere."

_Plain clothes, huh? _I mused. What could that mean? I hadn't seen any blonde women around the general area I had been in since I arrived at this place, just a couple of dogs to whom I had given some steak I had bought at the butcher's while walking; even I can only last so long when puppy eyes are turned on me full force.

"Well keep a closer eye on her in future!"

He turned and walked back into the dining room. "Sybil, I'm going back out. don't wait for me; it feels like I might be all night sorting this mess out." he picked up a packet of cigars from a box, then left the building.

"Um, I think I ought to go as well. The landlady'll probably have my guts if I stay out much longer. Thanks for the meal and you have a lovely house." I racked my brain for anything else to say. "Goodnight,"

"Yes. And don't let Sam's attitude get you down. He's a good man, a very good man, and he cares very much about his work."

I smiled, thanked her again and left.

The next morning I woke to a series of raps on my door.

"What have you done?" my new landlady asked suspiciously, "I have the Watch outside asking to see you."

I frowned in confusion. "Nothing. I've not done anything. No thefts, murders, obstructing the courses of justice," and I proceeded to list every single crime I could think of, from abduction to identity theft (she stopped me before I could get on to impersonating an officer)

"That still doesn't explain why I have a group of Watchmen waiting downstairs."

"Look. Let me get dressed, then I can go downstairs and we can find out what it's all about. I won't take five minutes, OK?"

She nodded grumpily, then set off down the staircase, still grumbling about criminal lodgers.

So, there I was, in front of the single most powerful man in that city, with no idea as to just why I was there. The blank stare was beginning to get on my nerves a little and I finally snapped.

"Are you going to explain this to me, or just stare?" I rudely broke the silence.

"Impressive," he dryly commented. "Most of my guests break after ten minutes. You lasted almost fifteen." He got up and stared out of the window, an enigmatic look on his face. "I do not know anything about you other than what can be deduced from what you have told the Watch, your actions, and your manner of speech. You appear to have come from another world entirely and this is not your first new place although it may be, to you, the strangest. Your method of travel is uncomfortable and you feel dizzy after you arrive. Your own world is different to this one in many ways. I am correct?" it was not really a question and I suspected – more than suspected – he knew far more than he was letting on.

"So you know my life story. That still doesn't address the question of why I am here."

"I desire to know more about your travels. They intri-"

He didn't have a single chance to finish his sentence before a flash of lightning illuminated the room and I was sent off to another world.

_**Sorry this took so long! It was kind of difficult to write as I have had no new ideas for this ficlet and so had to wheedle them out of unsuspecting friends and family as well as a whole load of head-bashing on various hard surfaces. Plus, Vetinari is so hard to write properly! I just hope I did a half-decent job! And, about the requests thing, I seem to have given you the wrong message. It's going to be like a series of drabbles, not full-length ones. They might just be her flashing into a certain place just long enough to insult someone and/or get shot at. Next up; back to Hogwarts!**_


End file.
